


Let the words slip out

by Neuqe



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff, Jealousy, Kind of Hurt/Comfort, M/M, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 07:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12249879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neuqe/pseuds/Neuqe
Summary: Jace gets jealous when Simon invites one of his college friends to the movies wih him instead of Jace"He instantly recognises the jealousy that settles down in his chest. It is an ugly feeling and leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, he hates it with a burning passion, and he hates himself a little for being jealous."





	Let the words slip out

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to Jacky who gave me this wonderful prompt <3

It is middle of the night and the Institute has quieted down, although Jace can occasionally hear footsteps against the stone floor, but even that does not interrupt the serenity of the night.

Jace would not change anything about this particular moment. 

Simon lies next to him in his narrow bed, duvet abandoned somewhere in the other end of the bed, gently tracing a strength rune Jace has slightly above his collarbone with his thumb and his touch is so light, Jace is almost convinced he is imagining it.

“Did I mention I missed you?” Simon whispers softly, enamoured grin lighting up his face.

Jace turns his head slightly and blinks lazily few times. “Once or twice,” he answers amusedly and stares at him with an expression that Jace guesses looks only half as affectionate as he feels.

The room is dark, but Simon is so close to him that he can see every detail of his face. 

He can see his sleepiness as he struggles to keep his eyes open, the crinkles around his eyes as he laughs, the way his mouth softly curls up as he smiles, the warmth of his smile and the way his eyes are glistering with happiness.

He is so in love, it almost hurts, but he would not change anything about it.

He thinks this is what love is supposed to feel, anyway. Pure joy mixed with warmth, hope, safety and happiness.

He never thought he could experience a love like this, he guesses a part of it was because Valentine managed to make him feel so unlovable, but in a way, he did not even believe in love before Simon came along.

Sometimes, he cannot believe his luck or that any of it is real.

Before, he thought all of the songs, literature and every other form of art about love was exaggerated, a convincing lie at its best, but now he thinks there might be a truth of grain somewhere there.  

“I missed you, too,” Jace whispers back with a huge grin, as if he would not have said it at least ten times during the night.

He had arrived back to New York from a diplomatic mission with Imogen from Idris few hours earlier, and even though the trip had lasted merely three days, he had missed Simon a lot, a lot more than he could even start to describe, and more than he had expected.

It had felt almost unsettling not to have Simon around, rambling about everyday things and his new favourite series or making lame puns. He had felt almost hollow, as if something essential was missing from his chest.

Any feeling of emptiness disappeared like smoke into a thin air when he had seen Simon again. He immediately felt light and relaxed, as if he could breathe properly again. It had felt as if his longing had messed up his world all wrong, but seeing him made everything click back to their right places.

It had felt right, as if everything was as it supposed to be, when he had hugged him so tightly and Simon whispered against his neck how much he had missed him.

Somehow, Simon manages to make all of the background noise go away and quiet down his entire world. Jace likes the effect he has on him, and he has come terms with the fact that he would do anything to keep a smile on Simon’s face.

He is in love and it is a little terrifying that another person has so much power of him, but he is glad that person is Simon, because he _trusts_ him completely.

“Did I already tell you how I almost flooded the university’s cafeteria?” Simon asks with soft and quiet laughter.

Lying in the dark room, sharing the little details of their past few days is almost the only thing they have done since Jace arrived, and honestly, Jace loves it more than he can tell.  

He never thought hearing how Simon had accidently spilled drops of blood onto his coursework and had then lied to his professor that they were beetroot stains, or how he would have known all of the answers in some television game show would make him this happy, but it does make him immensely happy.

Jace told him all about the times he had forgotten the names of the important shadowhunters Imogen had introduced him to and how he had gotten lost in some huge manor, trying to find a bathroom. He told about his visit to the Herondale manor and promised to take Simon there one day.

Jace shakes his head and pushes a strand of Simon’s hair away from his forehead, and Simon grins brightly.

He tells a confusing story that somehow includes three water canisters, slippery floor, a raccoon, an enormous back bag and Simon’s uncanny clumsiness.

Jace watches him amusedly as he tells his story accompanied with lot of hand movements and he chuckles softly until Simon mentions the amount of embarrassment he had experienced when he had turned up to the cinema soaking wet and Brad had laughed so hard he had walked into a door.

As soon as Simon mentions Brad, Jace’s stomach falls unpleasantly. He tries his best to ignore it, but he cannot do it.

He instantly recognises the jealousy that settles down in his chest. It is an ugly feeling and leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, he hates it with a burning passion, and he hates himself a little for being jealous. It is not an incongruous feeling.

Jace has met Simon’s college friend once when he had brought lunch to Simon in between his lectures. Brad cracked lame jokes and made a bunch confusing pop culture references during their brief encounter. Simon had laughed at all of them.

Brad had reminded him painstakingly much of Simon, and now that jealousness has settled into his mind, he cannot stop thinking about how much Simon laughs around Brad, and how they have more in common with their shared interests over movies, comics and other nerdy stuff both of them like.

It is not the first time Brad has sparked jealousness in him. He represents everything Simon’s life was before he was sucked into the shadow world and Jace knows Simon misses his mundane life and he really cannot blame him.

He knows he is being irrational, but the hollow of feeling of jealousness spreads in his chest and gnaws him. He cannot shake it off.

“Why you never go to the movies with me?”

The words are out of his mouth before he even realises it. He blurts it out bluntly and he does not know why he even says it aloud. It was not his intention. He did not mean to say _anything_ , his plan was to ignore all of it, bury the feelings somewhere deep and hope they go away.

Obviously, he messed it up. He is convinced his own mind loves to sabotage his happiness, but at least the knot of jealousy is easing up in his stomach as a knot of anxiety replaces it.

The atmosphere in his bedroom changes immediately after he has said it. It is still quiet, but the serenity is gone, and everything feels tense. He can feel the weight of Simon’s gaze on him, he refuses to look at him, and he curses himself for ruining the mood.

All he can hear is his own heart pounding in his chest.

“Are you--jealous?” Simon asks finally, breaking the silence, after a moment that felt like a small forever, and he does not sound nearly as angry or upset as Jace would have thought. He sounds genuinely baffled as if he had never thought it to be a possibility.

“Maybe,” Jace admits through clenched jaw before he can think any better.

Simon sighs deeply, and suddenly everything is too much for Jace. He knows he messed up and the knot in his stomach tightens. Everything is too overwhelming and all he wants to do is to escape. He cannot put up with his own feelings any longer.

He sits up and bolts to the other end of his bed, and throws his legs over the edge and buries his face into his hands as he tries to breathe deeply to get rid of the feelings of frustration and numbness. He tries to distract himself by going over the details of tomorrow’s mission in his mind but it is a lost cause as his thoughts are turning into porridge.

He feels almost sick.

He feels the movement of the mattress and he hears how Simon gets out of the bed, and he is sure he is going to walk away and leave him alone to wallow in self-pity, but he does not do that. Instead, he turns on the small lamp on the bedtable. The mattress shifts again as he sits down right next to him.

The silence is almost deafening.

“This is stupid,” Jace mumbles against his palms, and rubs his face, “just forget the whole thing,” he tries his best to say it sharply, but his voice ends up sounding weak.

Simon nudges his knee gently. “You’re obviously upset, so I’m not going to forget it,” Simon tells softly, but he still manages to sound like talking is the only reasonable option, even though Jace still prefers forgetting and ignoring.

Jace lets his hands fall and sorrowfully stares at the long shadows on the wall casted by the small lamp. Simon gently and cautiously picks up his left hand and kisses his knuckles softly.

“Trust me,” he whispers, “there’s no reason to be jealous of him or anyone else.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” Jace quickly explains because if there is anything he is sure about in the entire world, it is that Simon would never intentionally hurt him in anyway. He wants him to know it, too. It is crucial that he knows it.

He does not know how to describe his feelings. Not at least in a way that would make sense or be even remotely accurate. None of the words seems suitable and he does not want burden Simon with his own problems. 

He lets his gaze to linger at their intertwined fingers.

Simon, however, seems to pick up on his distress as he traces a pattern on the back of his hand with his thumb. “You can talk to me about anything,” he reminds softly.

“I know,” Jace replies with a rueful flash of smile. Simon has knocked down all defensive walls Jace had built up during the years so effortlessly that he feels almost vulnerable under his gaze, and somehow he manages to make him feel as if everything would be okay, no matter what he is going to say next.

He takes a shaky breath. “There’s just this part in my brain that’s convinced that one day you’ll realise that you can do better than me.”

He says it as quickly as he can and it comes out of as mumbling. He does not look at him as he says it. He stares at the duvet next to him and fidgets with the edge of it with his free hand. He feels miserable.

There are few things Jace is sure of and one of those things is that Simon deserves the world. He is not completely convinced whether the world deserves Simon, and he doubts whether he deserves Simon either.

He knows Simon loves him. He feels it, Simon shows it and tells it to him, and he does not doubt him. He is just afraid that all of it will disappear eventually.

They have been together only for three months, and he is afraid that once the novelty disappears, Simon is going to realise he is not worth of it after all and that he has done a grave mistake when he even started anything with him.

He feels crestfallen to even think about it.

Sometimes he wonders how Simon can even love him in the first place, what he can possibly see in him, because Simon is everything that is good in this world and he just comes up with new ways to fuck up. Jace was convinced that Simon would not even talk to him after he accidently activated the soul sword, and he really would not blame Simon for falling out of love.

He knows his thoughts are atrocious and spiralling out of control but he cannot prevent it.

“First of all, that’s not possible,” Simon says, softly, but he sounds so convinced of it that Jace wants to believe him.  He strokes his arm. “Second of all, I love you, and that’s not gonna change. This is the kind of stuff that lasts,” he says, vaguely gesturing between them.

“I’d bet that the stars go out before I stop loving you,” Simon tells it lightly, effortlessly, with a smile on his lips, but Jace knows he is deadly serious, and his heart skips a beat or two.

He presses a soft kiss against his temple and Jace is sure he is going to fall apart at any given moment.

It feels almost unfair to tell any of this to Simon, because he has never made his abandonment issues worse. Jace knows all of those issues begin and end with Valentine and his cruel actions and none of it is Simon’s fault.

No, Simon is the one who loves him with everything he has. The one who has seen him in his darkest and lowest moments and still deemed him to be worth of everything good in the world. The one who calls him his sunshine for sentimental reasons. The one who is there to comfort him after his endless nightmares.

“You get sappy when I’m upset,” Jace remarks with a short laugh, but it does not sound as happy as he would hope.

Simon snorts. “I’m hoping it cheers you up or that it’s so corny and cheesy that you’ll be distracted by the fact how horrible and tacky my sappiness is.”

“I love you, too,” Jace whispers after a moment of silence. He feels as if it is necessary for him to say it again. He whispers it cautiously, as if the words would be sacred or they would break down in his mouth.

Simon’s smile is small, but delighted and warm, but then his face breaks into a brilliant grin.

“It’s like why would I keep playing the lottery when I already won the jackpot,” Simon barely finishes speaking before he starts laughing. “Okay, that was so _bad_ , you don’t even have to tell me that, but the point still stands.”

“That was terrible,” Jace agrees, unable to fight off the smile that creeps on his face, “I liked the star one more, but that one was so awful that I might be even little distracted.”

“Hah, I’m definitely counting this as a win,” Simon declares delightedly with a soft chuckle. “I knew this would work.”

“You didn’t.”

Simon grins. “Okay, maybe I didn’t know it would work, but it worked and that’s the main point.”

Jace smiles wistfully, exhales shakily and glances at their intertwined fingers again. Simon holds his hand firmly, and somehow that is enough to convince Jace that he is not going to go away, no matter what he is going to admit or confess.

“I know I cannot be the easiest person to love-“ Jace begins, but Simon cuts him short.

“Jace,” he says, interrupting him, “that’s nowhere near the truth. It’s the furthest thing from the truth,” he kisses his knuckles again.

Jace cannot help but stare at him, and Simon stares back at him. The amount of tenderness and affection Jace can see in Simon’s eyes is almost enough to destroy whatever little thing is still holding him together.

“Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done,” Simon admits and squeezes his hand tighter.

Jace’s breath almost hitches in his throat because of the sincerity and conviction in his voice, and he is not sure what he has done to ever be loved in this way.

He is still speechless, searching for any sensible thought or words that would even remotely make sense or reflect the emotional storm raging inside of him. Fortunately, Simon does not seem to be waiting any sort of answer.

“Are you okay?” Simon asks.

“Yeah,” Jace tells with a nod, “or at least I’ll be,” he continues with a thin smile. He presses a kiss against Simon’s bare shoulder.

Simon smiles back at him, and it is a radiant smile. It is the kind of smile that makes Jace think they might be all right after all.

He knows his fears are irrational, but his insecurities are more powerful than he likes. They are loud, horrendous, and difficult to ignore and then they will not magically disappear during the night, but he is hopeful. Maybe it will be enough that Simon is right there to remind him about all of the good things.

“Good,” Simon breathes out as he moves a strand of Jace’s hair away from his forehead. “Not that it wouldn’t be okay not be fine, I mean there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Jace nods with a grateful smile.

“But back to your original question, I didn’t even ask you to come with me because I thought you hated superhero and sci-fi movies or anything even remotely similar,” Simon explains.

“I don’t _hate_ them,” Jace corrects, lamely, but he can understand why Simon thinks he does.

He has never appreciated those movies in the same way as Simon does. Simon could ramble about the movies for hours and hours and every other movie he mentions is a ‘cinematic masterpiece’. For Jace, the plots seem farfetched and ridiculous at best and the fight scenes are unrealistic. He might have said this to Simon once or twice.

However, Simon’s enthusiasm is adorable. He is happy and excited while he talks about the movies, even more so when he is watching them, and nothing can be completely bad if it makes Simon that happy. They are important for him. Jace guesses he could at least try to watch them for him.

“Besides, you like them so I could watch them if it means spending more time with you,” Jace explains almost sheepishly as he fidgets with Simon’s fingers.

Simon’s whole face softens before he breaks into a beatific smile. “Is that a promise?”

“Yeah,” Jace confirms with a laugh, and when Simon kisses him, he knows for a fact he has nothing to worry about.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! This has been in my wip folder for months and I finally finished it! I have a feeling I wrote too much angst into this but maybe it's okay. The title comes from a song called "the words" by christina perri. All of the mistakes are mine and I'm sure there are some


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